I saw my first Pirro flick All alone, there were no chicks Still I laughed my fucking ass off It was the summer of ninety-six
Okay, now that I've massacred a Bryan Adams song, I'll get to the point. It was the summer of 1996 and I was a high school graduate. My weekdays were spent working 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. in a shirt factory (do that for a month and you'll have more drive to go to college) while the rest of the day was taken up by playing guitar or reading. The weekends were either my "leave the house" days or my "rent some movies" days. On one particular "rent some movies" day, I had the burning desire to see the movie Killer Klownz from Outer Space, a movie that I hadn't seen in almost 5 years. After realizing how little I would be doing this particular weekend, I decided that one movie would not be enough. Debbie, the owner and clerk of the video store, suggested a movie in the comedy section entitled A Polish Vampire in Burbank.
I must take the time to talk about Debbie. In a cute, naive sort of way, I saw Debbie as more than just a friend/dispenser of video entertainment. In my 18- year-old head, she was my soul mate. The one problem with this was the fact that Debbie was also about 20 to 30 years older than me as well as a lot more married. Yes, I admit I felt slight happiness when I heard rumors that she and her husband were having problems. Alas, nothing came of it.
Back to the story at hand: Debbie and I shared a love for the so-called "bad movies," something I had yet to find in another human being. We both loved Robot Monster, It Conquered the World, and any Ed Wood movie. She had never steered me wrong before, but Polish Vampire looked too . . . how can I put it? Cute. I was in the mood for something a little ruder, cruder, and gorier. Debbie assured me that it was both rude and crude, despite its lack of gore. After a bit of coaxing, I decide to take the plunge.
After the Klownz had their way with my VCR, it was time to see if this Polish Vampire movie was worth staying up until 1 a.m. I popped it into the player, not really expecting much. The name of the movie company appeared on the screen. "Pirromount," I read. "Cute. Very cute." Gothic organ music came up as the screen showed shots of a spooky looking castle. "Not bad," I thought. As the title came up, the music changed to a polka. That got a giggle out of me. Then, the moment of truth came. The vampire's clock/radio went off and the radio announcer told the audience that the, "terrifying new Cormon Rogers movie" was still playing at the local theater.
"Holy shit!" I knew right then that this movie was made just for me. Well, not really for me, but for people with my mindset. I come from a small town in Kentucky where the name Roger Cormon is practically unheard. From that moment on, I savored every scene.
Never had I seen a movie that could go from such innocent jokes (a vampire brushing his teeth with an oversized toilet brush) to intelligent jokes ("A rooster in the city?" "Poetic license.") to completely disgusting jokes (a menstruation joke in a vampire move is all you need to know) and still maintain enough plot to keep me entertained. Plus, its goofy, yet sentimental ending had me both laughing and tearing up at the same time. (For those that have seen the movie, I will admit, I'm a weird guy.)The next day, I went out and bought a blank tape and made a copy of this movie. Normally, I adhere to the FBI warnings on videos, but I had no clue how to get a copy of this movie for myself. Besides, I currently have the DVD on order, so soon my bootleg video will go the way of the dodo bird. I pray that between now and then there will be no lawsuits.
After the viewing and bootlegging of this flick, I began to wonder where this Pirro guy came from. Who was he? Had he made other movies? Was he still making movies? However, these questions soon gave way as I began pondering something even more important: Why was I still a virgin when I was about to enter college?
To be continued in Part 2: Chance Sighting in Fangoria. Details as 11.