**1/2

Unrated
Copyright 1974 Graffitti Productions
DVD released in 1999 by Hen’s Tooth Video (this release features 15 minutes of restored footage. YAY!!!!!)
Directed by Michael Benveniste and Howard Ziehm
Written by Michael Benveniste
Starring Jason Williams, Cindy Hopkins, Joseph Hudgines, Willam Dennis Hunt, Mycle Brandy, Lance Larsen, John Hoyt, and the voice of Craig T. Nelson (who was un-credited)

INTRO

Every time I rent a movie that has been hailed as a “milestone in the erotic film industry” or a “masterpiece of erotic cinema” I always end up less than enthused. I rented Deep Throat because I heard that it was the film that “legitimized” porno. Although slightly arousing, provided you can get past the white men with afros on their heads and white women with afros between their legs, the movie pretty much sucked (no pun intended). I rented Emmanuelle, a supposed erotic classic that contains the famous line, “True eroticism is in the erection, never in the orgasm.” Well, I must have gotten a cut version because every time my pants signaled “true eroticism” the scene would end before I could go beyond . . . maybe I should just leave it at that.

Now I have checked out Flesh Gordon, a softcore porn parody of the Flash Gordon films. Despite its interesting premise and momentary bouts of humor, this could quite possibly be the most un-arousing sex film of all time. Hell, the 1980 Dino De Laurentis production of Flash Gordon is more sexually arousing that this film. Sadder still, it’s also funnier.

SYNOPSIS

The earth is under siege by a deadly sex ray that causes all in its path to be overcome with lust, thus forcing them to screw anyone and everyone around them. Just like you, I found myself thinking, “What’s the problem with that? Christ, that could have been my saving grace in high school.” In answer to our question, we see what disasters can take place when people become thrown into a collective state of horniness.

As the story begins, we find our hero Flesh Gordon (Jason Williams) on a plane, heading back to his father (John Hoyt) with some news about the sex ray. He meets the slightly lovely Dale Ardor (Cindy Hopkins) who will spend most of the picture half or fully naked, proving in the process that she is not a natural blonde. Suddenly, the plane is hit by the sex ray, which causes the passengers and pilots to engage in an orgy of sexual depravity. Flesh, who is unaffected by the ray for some reason, attempts to fly the plane and finally bails out with Dale. Upon landing, they come across genius scientist Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgines). The unfortunately named doctor has figured out where the sex ray is coming from and invites Dale and Flesh to come with him on his ship to stop it before planes everywhere begin falling out of the sky on account of horny pilots.

Our heroes blast off into space, eventually landing on the planet Porno, which is ruled by the perverted Emperor Wang (William Dennis Hunt). There, they must battle Penisauruses, Rapist Robots, and the Creature of Death (voiced by Craig T. Nelson). Will they defeat Wang with the Power Pasties given to them by the sexy Queen Amora (Mycle Brandy)? Can Prince Precious (Lance Larsen) the gay, Robin Hood-dressing, rightful ruler of Porno be restored to the throne? Will the estate of Alex Raymond, the creator of Flash Gordon, attempt to sue the makers of this film, despite the ridiculous disclaimer that precedes it?

MY THOUGHTS

I would have to group this movie with Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Both films have hilarious titles. Both films have the potential to be laugh riots. Unfortunately, both films achieve uneven, mediocre results.

This is supposed to be a porno comedy. Despite this label, the sex contained within failed to raise my eyebrows, let alone my pants. Most of the sexual elements in the movie involve wide shots of orgies and lots of naked people running around. The only thing that even approaches genuine eroticism is the sex scene between Flesh and Amora, and even this is pretty tame. Of course, one has to remember that the film was made in 1972. What was sexually arousing then is probably not as arousing now. Especially since the horny 1972 crowds didn’t have internet porn at their disposal.

As for the comedy, most of it comes from changing the names of the original Flash Gordon characters into names with sexual connotations. Emperor Wang’s name may have a second connotation as well. I noticed that Emperor Wang seemed to look very similar to the movie character Fu Manchu. Also, Flesh speaks the line, “Get your yellow hands off her!” I can hear a group of Chinese civil rights activists screaming already.

There are also some pretty funny site gags, such as the phallic-shaped space ship and the moon with the eyeball in the center. The opening title sequence and the scene of Queen Amora’s ship are loaded with Monty Python-esque animation. Some of the lines are downright hysterical and Craig T. Nelson’s flat delivery as the voice of the Creature of Death kept me in stitches. However, there is not enough humor throughout the picture. In a parody such as this, it is important to keep the laughs flowing because nobody watching really cares about the plot. Of course, I have heard that Flesh Gordon was pretty much a scene-by-scene remake of an old Flash Gordon serial. Since I have yet to see this, there is a possibility that I missed a lot of the humor.

Acting wise, this movie is pure MST3K fodder. Very bad overacting with pretentious, badly written dialogue. Of course, I was already expecting this. I mean, one doesn’t rent a film titled Flesh Gordon and expect Shakespeare. If one does, one definitely needs to re-think his or her place in the world.

The film’s biggest strength is the special effects and production design. Wang’s palace is spectacular, the sets are very well done, and the Ray Harryhausen-inspired stop-motion sequences are quite impressive. The battle between Flesh and the “Beetlebot” is an obvious parody of the skeleton from The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad, while the “Creature of Death” bares a striking resemblance to the Kraken in Clash of the Titans (which came out almost eight years after this movie. Hmmm . . . . I wonder). In fact, the Creature of Death sequence is a great parody of King Kong.Interesting note of trivia: Rick Baker, the award winning special effects artist, is listed in the credits.

DVD STUFF

I am very glad I rented this flick, because the 30 dollars I would have forked out for purchasing it would not have been worth it. The movie is presented in letterbox format, though the boxes are quite narrow. The sound and picture are good enough, but not pristine. As for the bonus features, there are only two.

The first is a trailer for the movie, which is interesting from a historical point of view, but not much else. Well, except for the fact that the last words of the trailer are a disclaimer that states, “Not to be confused with the original Flash Gordon.” I found this humorous because I’ve often heard stories from friends of mine regarding this confusion. Their parents would see the movie, think it was actually Flash Gordon, rent it for their kids, and then leave the room. (Hmmm . . . I think I'm beginning to understand how my generation got so warped.)

The second special feature is the best part of the disc and definitely worth the three dollars and fifty cents I paid to rent it. This is the audio commentary by director Howard Zihem. Unlike most commentaries where the filmmaker watches the movie and talks about the scenes, Zihem gives the watcher a chronological history of the production and aftermath of the film. It sounds like he is reading direct from the page, and his voice sounds a little flat, but the story is very interesting. In fact after hearing this commentary, I must give the filmmakers credit for getting the film finished in the first place.

Zihem’s commentary tells of his beginnings in the world of adult films, the genesis of Flesh Gordon, the many legal battles that went on during the making, battles among the filmmakers, and everything in between. We find out that two hardcore sequences were cut so his production company could get the film negatives back from the police after their entire library was seized (apparently the cops were looking for an underage girl in one of their films). We hear how Zihem’s partner constantly screwed him over on finances. We hear of the filmmakers’ attempts to get Flesh nominated for an Oscar for best special effects. We find out . . . well, you get the idea.

After hearing the commentary, I’ve decided that Flesh Gordon is like the Ed Wood films in that the story of the creation of the movie is much better than the movie itself. In fact, I’m of the opinion that there should be a movie about the making of this movie. I’d go see it.

IN CONCLUSION

I can’t decide whether my disenchantment with this movie is due to the fact that it just isn’t a very good film or if it just hasn’t aged very well. It is definitely interesting from a historical perspective, seeing as how many of the people involved with the movie (mainly effects artists) have gone on to successful careers. It is also worth renting the DVD for the commentary. On it’s own, I would have to say that Flesh Gordon is humorous and amusing. But the humor and amusement are not enough to warrant repeat viewings.

BEST LINE

“Maple Tower! Maple Tower! You’ve got two horny son of a bitches up here.”

If you wish to order the video or want to learn more about this film visit:

Hen's Tooth Video.

Return to my review page.