Overall Rating

***1/2

On the Pirro Scale

****

Unrated
Copyright 1983
Released in 1985 by Simitar Entertainment
Re-Released in 1994 by Edde Entertainment
DVD Released in 2002 by MTI Home Video
Written and Directed by Mark Pirro
Starring Mark Pirro,Lori Sutton, Eddie Deezen, Marya Gant, Hugh O. Fields, and Bobbi Dorsch

INTRO

Okay, we've all seen those movies where the main character is a geeky little twerp who's never gotten laid in his life, right? The sole purpose of the movie is nothing more than: GET THIS GUY LAID! The quest to remove the poor sap's virginity takes him and his friends (if he has them) through many zany situations. These situations basically play as time filler and joke space. Porky's and Meatballs 3 are but two of the many examples.

With this scenario in mind, let's make the geeky little twerp a vampire. Logically, this turns the quest for sex into a quest for blood. Now you have a good idea of the plot of this movie. That being said, it's much funnier than the other two flicks I've mentioned.

SYNOPSIS

Dupah (Mark Pirro) is a vampire who has never bitten anyone in his life. His sole means of sustenance comes from the blood his father and sister siphon out of victims into a Zip-Lock baggie. Jeeze, it's the 1980's people! You'd think they could just pull a heist at the local blood bank. Anyway, Dupah's father (Hugh O. Fields) is frustrated and determined that his son become a man. He therefore sends him out with his sister Yvonne (Marya Gant), demanding that he not come back until he has bitten someone. (I'm just imagining how fucked up this could be if this truly were a "loss of virginity comedy" involving the father and sister. Shudder!!!)

While out, Dupah meets Delores (Lori Sutton), a beautiful blonde on the rebound after having dumped her boyfriend, oh, about ten seconds before Dupah approaches her. As an added bonus, she loves vampire movies. He asks her out for coffee, but has to leave quickly since the sun is rising, which could be bad for him. I mean, if some guy melted on his first date with a girl, I'm sure she wouldn't want to see him again.

After coming home, the remains of Dupah's dead brother Sphincter (Eddie Deezen in flashbacks, a puppet skeleton in the real time) show up and give him some advice. Considering the fact that this loser died on his first blood hunt, (shown in a hilarious flashback) one wonders why Dupah would listen to him in the first place. Anyway, things get complicated when Dupah finds himself in love with Delores. Now he can't bite her because he is afraid she'll lose respect for him. Love vs. Hunger. What's a Polish Vampire to do? I'm not sure, but I know what the audience is to do. Laugh themselves silly.

MY THOUGHTS

Okay, I'm going to go out on a very big limb and say that this movie is FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!! Polish Vampire is probably the best horror movie parody I've seen since the Mel Brooks classic Young Frankenstein. Mark Pirro made this as his first feature film. It was shot on Super 8 film for $2,500 and ended up grossing around $500,000 in the direct-to-video market. Sure, the copy I saw didn't look pristine, but the DVD version is supposed to be the best transfer ever, so I'm keeping my hopes up. Besides, with comedy writing like this, who needs a clear picture?

The jokes in this movie are all over the place. There is cute humor, like the opening shot of Dupah brushing his teeth with a toilet brush. There is sexual humor, as seen in the running joke about why Delores dated Ernie despite his jerky manner. Her answer? "He gives good head." There are some purely disgusting jokes, which I won't even mention. Then, there's the P.I. humor. Better known as Politically Incorrect.

This movie takes some shots at blacks and gays. At the risk of sounding insensitive, I must state that these jokes are the funniest in the film. I mean, how can a black guy lifting weights and counting his reps by saying, "Mudduh fucka' one, Muddah fucka' two," not be funny? Despite what modern society tells us, stereotypes can make for funny jokes. Especially when it is the stereotype itself that is being made fun of. Okay, that's my soapbox for this review.

The plot is actually charming and quite engaging. Call me nuts, but I actually felt sympathy for this poor, hungry, in love creature of the undead. In fact, the argument could be made that this movie is pushing the message of love being better than just sex. Of course, the argument could also be made that I read way too much into things like this, so let's move on.

DVD STUFF

Oh man, I am in fucking Pirro Heaven. The only thing that could make this better would be if it were a double disc set. First off, let's talk about the movie itself.

After years of watching my bootleg EP edition of this film, the re-master is a godsend. The picture is actually clear, with some grain here and there, but not as much as there used to be. The movie is letterboxed with two extremely thin bars. The stereo mix sounds good, even on my crappy little stereo television, and the sound actually matches the lip movement. The credits have been redone, making them clearer and easier to read. Mark has also changed some of the cuts in the film. Now, instead of just jump cuts, we get dissolves, wipes, and a spin. It's almost like the Special Edition of Star Wars except it is a lot less self-indulgent. My only beef is that some of the scenes look . . . I don't know exactly how to explain it. Almost like they are moving a little slower. As if the digitization didn't quite work right. However, these scenes are few and far between.

As for the extras, we have a teaser trailer from 1982, which has Mark talking about the movie to some woman. As an added bonus, both Mark and the woman are naked. Talk about sexy. And the woman looked good too. (Wink). The other trailer was put together recently and is decent. Its only problem is that it shows too much of the movie, including part of the ending. I wouldn't recommend it for those who haven't seen the flick yet.

There are some good TV spots, including one of Gilbert Gottfried from "USA Up All Night." There is a biography of Mark, which is pretty informative, but most of which you could find out from his website. There are some deleted scenes, which are interesting, but it is easy to see why they were deleted.

The double layer icing on this cake comes in the form of the Director's Commentary and the Documentary Featurette. The Commentary by Mark and a friend of his is very informative and extremely funny. Mark keeps making references to how young he looks in the movie. Funniest line? "I was such a cute little bastard back then." At one point, the sound of Mark's voice changes tone suddenly, as if a different track has been spliced in. From what I understand, Mark tried to do a commentary on his own, but said that it felt too artificial, so he got his friend to come in to make it feel more natural. Maybe they spliced in some good parts of the first commentary. No matter. It doesn't take away from the enjoyment.

The documentary, "Behind the Fangs" is a Polish Vampire fan's soggy dream. We get to hear the story of the film from beginning to end. Also on the menu are new interviews from cast members like Lori Sutton, Marya Gant, Alfie Pearl, John McCafferty, and Tyrone Duboise. Noticeably absent are Hugh O. Fields, Steve and Bobbi Dorsch, and Paul Farbman. It would have been nice to see Eddie Deezen, but since he left the movie mid-production, it's not very likely he would want to talk about it. However, we do have an appearance by "Sphincter McBoner," the puppet skeleton, which is the funniest part of the documentary. All this, and narration by Forrest J. Ackerman. What more could a Pirromount fan ask for?

IN CONCLUSION

In the eighteen or so years since the release of this movie, it is still a very effective comedy. The off-color jokes might repel some of the more P.C., ultra-sensitive crowd, but who cares? The film also has obvious flaws such as bad dubbing, silly music, and less than spectacular acting, which got taken care of in the DVD. Well, the bad dubbing did anyway. The silly music is still there and I don't think the acting could be fixed even if George Lucas got involved. But the important thing is that this movie does exactly what a good comedy is supposed to do. It makes the viewer laugh him or herself into oblivion. And when it's over, the viewer doesn't feel that 90 minutes of his life have been stolen from him or her. (Okay, so I'm being a little P.C. here.) Find this movie at ALL COSTS!!!!!

BEST LINE

This is a very tough call. If I have to pick, I'd say it's a three-way (hehe, I said three-way) tie between:

1. "Many years ago, during the full moon, I was bitten by a queer. Now, whenever the full moon rises, I turn into one."

2. "This is a family theater! We've got fucking kids in here!"

3. "This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, you'd have been blown to shit by now!"

To order this video, go to MTI Video or to Amazon.com.
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